Where did my baby go?

I don't know about any of you, but the older I get the faster time is slipping through my fingers. Oh, sure sometimes there are days that seem unbelievably long and trying and you simply can't wait for them to end... but what I've noticed lately is that the weeks, months and years are just flying by at super sonic break neck speed. It's quite disconcerting at times.

Joshua (eyes now big and brown) with Dolly & Binky)

I swear (and I would do so on the proverbial stack of Bibles) that just yesterday my son, Joshua, was a bouncy, roly, poly Buddha baby with thighs as thick and luscious as any you've ever in your life seen...with rosy, red cheeks popping out of his bowling ball head and blue-gray eyes that looked directly into your soul...a baby who possessed a gutsy, all out laugh that was so contagious strangers on the street often joined in. I SWEAR to you it was just YESTERDAY!

Joshua and Grandpa Murray/Halloween 2002

And yet, when I look at my son now what I see is a 5'3", 100 lbs., 12 year old lean, mean preteen machine that has been called "a player" by some of his Middle School friends. When I asked him about this moniker I was told that he was the "good" kind of player...someone who everyone liked. OOOkay...well, that's a relief to know.

It is very hard sometimes to reconcile the image of my baby with this new burgeoning human being...the one who still wants to cuddle and kiss in the privacy of our home but is becoming a bit reluctant to have displays of affection in the public realm...the one who is feeling out his new found freedoms, testing his independence and boundaries...the one who is increasingly embarrassed/annoyed by me and my behavior...the one who rolls his eyes and sighs in frustration but still wants to tell me every detail of his life and thoughts...not to mention that his body is morphing on a daily basis into this unrecognizable young man thing...all very normal but I have to say also very, very strange. Truly, it is like reading a mystery novel...every day when you turn the page you have absolutely no idea as to what is going to happen...what new adventure in attitude, body or mind you are going to be presented/confronted with. It is quite the journey...one that I am thoroughly enjoying...but can I also say that I miss my baby...I mean deep in the solar plexus miss my baby...

Joshua with Grandma & Grandpa/5th grade Moving Up Ceremony/June 2011

Maybe that is how it is for all mothers. You see your baby grow into a toddler, then a young child, then a teenager, then a young adult and finally who they decide they will be in the world...but in your heart of hearts they are always your baby...your sweet, innocent and in my case, chubby beyond measure, baby. I love and adore who Joshua is today and who he is becoming...his kind, loving heart, his sense of humor and justice, his intelligence, his patience and joie de vivre take my breath away and make me feel so proud... but I guess I will always pine a bit for my baby...his babyhood was the beginning of our life together...and for me there is simply no sweeter memory than that.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about lately...that and how blessed I am to be my baby's mommy no matter how old he is...

xoxo Nanci