As most of the world has come to know, Portia di Rossi is a beautiful, accomplished actress who is also married to talk show host and comedian, Ellen de Generes. What people haven't known about her was that beginning at the age of 12 with her first diet to conform to modeling standards in her native Australia she began a slippery and often treacherous slide into food and body obsession hell. As she described the craziness in her head during those years of self torment and the rituals she performed to try to control her body I clearly saw my younger self.
Though I never slid into anorexia or bulimia I teetered on the brink of both. Thinking about food every waking moment of the day and sometimes all night long became a way of being. Every morsel of food that went into my mouth, what its calorie count was, how I could get rid of the extra calories or pounds (exercise, diuretics) and what I weighed was the main focus of my day...every day for years on end. I jumped on the scale constantly. I looked at my body in the mirror with an eagle eye a hundred times a day. I measured my thighs, waist and hips daily noting the slightest change in my agenda book. One to two pounds over what I thought was acceptable would send me into a tailspin, five pounds could render me suicidal.
So, as I listened to Portia describe her battles, I relived a few of my own. I felt grateful, that while I am still too focused on how my body looks (like most women) I am far beyond where I used to be. I must say that menopause has been humbling for me. My eating habits haven't really changed much in the last 10-15 years but my body is changing as it sees fit. It doesn't ask me if I approve or if I'm in agreement...it just does what the hell it feels like, leaving me to deal with the results whatever they may be...which I do for the most part.
The road was long and tormented. It took me forever to be even somewhat at peace with myself and the way my body looks. There were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it, but I can honestly say that I am no longer tethered to my scale and that I have found happiness in things of real meaning which have enriched my life more than any idealized version of my body could have ever provided.
When Portia said that she no longer puts any restrictions on her food intake whether it be the type of food she eats or the portions of those foods because she now eats what makes her happy...and that when she's happy her body just seems to take care of itself and be where it needs to be. That made so much sense to me. It clearly is why when I am in my beloved France I eat and drink everything I want, don't worry about any of it, never step on a scale and always come home not having gained an ounce! Why? Because I am simply being in the moment over there, deliriously happy just to soak up the beauty that surrounds me, grateful for the life that I have. As a reward for this joy of self-acceptance my body takes care of itself in the best possible way...it just enjoys being alive.
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| Coconut Cream Cake - Isn't she pretty?! |
Here's hoping that you can break free of whatever chains bind you... that you can live your life freely letting self acceptance and love lead the way...because REALLY aren't we all more than the sum of our outward body parts or a silly number on a scale? Something to think about mes belles...
xoxo Nanci
P.S. Thank you Portia for your simple, straightforward bravery and honesty in sharing your story.
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